1.Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
2.Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
3.A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
4.I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
5.A woman’s age is harder to get than the President’s phone number.
6.What goes up and never comes down? Your age!
7.What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
8.Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
9.Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
10.I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
11.Girl you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.
12.Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you’d be a Gorgeousaurus
13.How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she’s pregnant.
14.I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15.I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.
16.My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…
17.Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
18.Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
19.A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
20.My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
21.A friend is like a book: you don’t need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
22.Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
23.My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
24.If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
25.Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
Don’t forget to share your favorite with us in comments =)